Do you ever find yourself thinking, “Maybe my parents aren’t my real parents? Maybe they kidnapped me and are hiding the truth from me. Or worse, maybe my real parents are dead.” These thoughts may seem far-fetched, but they’re actually quite common among teenagers who feel stifled by strict parents. The frustration and resentment can lead to wild accusations and doubts about your parents’ intentions.
The teenage years can be a tumultuous time, marked by intense emotions, newfound independence, and a desire for self-expression. As a teenager, you may often find yourself at odds with the authority figures in your life, feeling like they just don’t understand you. But did you know that your desires and frustrations are completely normal? In this article, we’ll explore the five desires of a teenager, from the desire for autonomy and answers to the desire for respect, privacy, and understanding. We’ll also discuss how to navigate these desires in a way that promotes peace and understanding at home, rather than conflict and tension.
1. DESIRE TO MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES
As a teenager, you desire to be left alone to make your own decisions, you feel you are old enough to take these decisions for yourself. You want to be left free to decide where to go, what friends to keep and how to spend your time. But the authority figures around you will usually not allow you to have your way. You would feel they are imposing their decisions on you and not allowing you to have your way. This can be particularly annoying when you feel that the decision is primarily about you, so the choice should be yours. Imagine your parents telling you not to be friends with a particular classmate because of the way he or she dresses. Yet you feel that this person is particularly good at, or that he is a true friend.
2. DESIRE FOR ANSWERS
“Why should daddy tell me not to use the laptop until I am sixteen? Is it not mine? What is the difference between now and next year? If he doesn’t want me to use it, why did he buy it?” This is a typical question from a teenager. When you find yourself desiring explanations from your parents over their actions, know that it is natural at this stage of your life. Your heart queries a lot of things, you have questions. You don’t feel like obeying instructions unquestioningly; you want to know why the instruction is given, and why you should obey it. You also wish to express your contrary views if there are any. However, a lot of adults may not bother to give you an explanation. They would just want you to obey and move on, and when you complain, they see it as challenging their authority. Some others see your questions as rude or even as insubordination. This creates conflicts between you and them. This kind of situation has made some teenagers to become aggressive, while some have become overly subdued.
3. DISTASTE FOR ADULTS JUST DISHING OUT INSTRUCTIONS
When an adult gives you instructions without asking whether it is convenient for you or not; when they don’t ask for your opinion, you feel an anger rising inside you. Although you may not be able to express it to the person, but at times you react, maybe by not doing what you were told to do, or by doing it half-heartedly, or if you are bold enough, you may say an outright “no” to the instruction. It feels as if adults believe that the younger generation are their slaves. Every teenager faces this kind of situation, although the only difference might be in the kind of adult you are dealing with. The situation can become very tense if you are amidst adults who feel that instructions are meant to be obeyed and not queried. You may feel you are in bondage or caged. If the feelings are not controlled, you may begin to resent every instruction or word that comes from the adult, whether good or bad. This will make you jittery, you will find it hard to relax, and situations that can be solved very easily become an explosive one, and you find yourself arguing with them over practically everything. But if you are not the type that expresses yourself verbally, you may even end up becoming very withdrawn, subdued and bitter inside. When this happens, you will not be happy or relaxed and they too will not be happy.
4. DESIRE TO BE RESPECTED
You desire to be respected, you want others to acknowledge your views and your contributions. You want your opinion to be valued, you long to have them listen to you without ridiculing you or making mockery of your ideas. So, when adults tell you what to do and do not even give you room to make contributions, you feel adults behave as if they know it all. You have your desires and opinions, and you want them to acknowledge it. Unfortunately, the way the adult views situations is often far different from the way a teenager views them. What looks important to a teen seems trivial to a lot of adults. And when you try to explain, they may not reason with you. It becomes worse if adults yell at you just because you did something that displeased them. You want their choice of words to be positive when they correct you and you don’t want them to rebuke you publicly. Summarily, you want adults to be polite when talking with you.
5. A DESIRE FOR PRIVACY
Coupled with the desire for respect is the desire for privacy. You are no longer satisfied with saying everything about yourself to just anybody who wants to know. You also want to have control over your own things and be able to protect them from being misplaced or misused. You don’t want just anybody to have access to your private printed information such as your letters and diary. Likewise, you want privacy on your electronic correspondence like e-mails, SMS and your social network. This is the time when some teenage girls create personal codes with which to guard personal information that they consider private.
Navigating these Desires
What happens if these desires of your heart are not met? What if your parents believe that you must obey instructions without asking questions? What if they exaggerate your mistakes and yell at you or keep on talking about it? What if you feel they don’t understand you and you feel lonely? Should you allow it to degenerate into serious conflict that will bring a strong tension in the home? I have seen teenagers running away from home because of these conflicts. Each teenager’s situation is peculiar because parents and guardians have different personalities, while the teenage desires are quite similar irrespective of personalities. One thing I want you to know is that you cannot determine your parents’ actions, but surely you can determine your own responses. So, the question I want to ask you is – do you want peace and tension free atmosphere at home? If so, there is a price to pay for it.
The Desires are Normal
First, you must know that your desires are normal for a teenager, so do not start by blaming your parents for the conflict you have with them, do not look at them as if they’re the worst parents on earth. They may not be perfect parents, but the average parent loves his or her child, and will not deliberately instil pain on them. Study them; sometimes they are in a good mood, but at other times they are in a foul mood. Also, remember that they could be under the pressure of bills to pay and sometimes they may have health challenges that you may not be aware of. So, treat them as people who also have feelings and expectations.
Review Your Demands
Second, review some of the demands you are making on them, or some of the conflicts you have, is it worth the tension that it is causing at home. Do you know that your classmates do some of the things your parents do to you, but you don’t react to them the same way you do to your parents? It is interesting to note that if it is your friend that tells you to do something without giving an explanation, you may not question it. Even when you feel what your friend wants you to do is wrong, you may just obey because you don’t want your friend to say you are dumb. But if it’s your parents, you tend to be angry.
Conclusion
Summarily, I will say you have two choices, either you decide to retaliate by fighting your parents over every issue, getting angry over small matters and crying yourself to sleep every night while your parents get exasperated over you. The other option is to refuse to allow the situation to bring out the worst character in you, this option gives you the opportunity to choose to allow the situation to make you a calm, well behaved teen. To achieve this, you must patiently listen to your parents’ point of view and concerns, then seek respectful ways of sharing your own yearnings. You should avoid arguing, rather, wait until when they are not angry, then bring the matter up again. If at the end of the day, they did not change their stance, you may just forget the matter, but refuse to sulk about it. Tackling each situation as it occurs rather than piling them up and bursting out when you are full of rage will increase tension within the family. However, if the If the matter is a grave one, you may seek the intervention of an adult whom your parents have high regard for, he or she will serve as a bridge between you and your parents. Such a person could be a pastor, a teacher, or counsellor.
