TEENAGE GIRLS ASK QUESTIONS


QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I am seventeen years old and I have a boyfriend, he has been asking me for sex, and I always tell him no, but we usually kiss each other and sometimes hug one another closely. But one day he forced his fingers into my private part and there was blood. I was angry with him and because of that I broke the relationship. Each time I remember the incident, I used to feel bad, I wonder if I have not lost my virginity. Also, can I trust any guy again? - NIKE

ANSWER

Dear Nike, Your experience is a painful one. Usually when a girl says “yes” to a guy to be his girlfriend, she is indirectly telling him that her body is available for him to toy with. I’m sure that once a while, he buys you some nice things which means in a way he is investing in you. One of the things he wants to gain from his investment is to be able to hold you, kiss you and even have sex with you. He feels you belong to him. Meanwhile you went to the relationship maybe because you simply want him to love you and cherish you. This is the mistake many girls make. They feel the guy will just love them, care for them and leave them alone. You cannot find the kind of love you desire in a boyfriend, you can only find true love in Jesus, who loved us selflessly and gave himself for us. If you accept Jesus into your heart, he fills the vacuum of love that is in your heart, then you too can begin to love others selflessly. You will also find friends among those who have accepted Jesus who will love you without strings attached. Sadly, the boy has tampered with your virginity. But I don’t know the extent to which he went. However, first of all ask God to forgive you for your sinful act. Next, you can decide that such will never happen again. When you take such a decision and stand by it, you become what some people call a “secondary virgin.” This means that from the day you realized that your body is a gift from God that it is meant to be kept holy; you have decided to stop all acts that would defile it.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, My dream is to become a surgeon in the future, but I come from a poor background and my parents have six children. My dad’s income is low and my Mum is a petty trader, but my aunt that lives in Lagos requested that I come to live with her in order to ease the financial pressure on my parents. I followed her to her place, and I am placed in a school that is better than the one I was attending when I was with my parents. However, I am going down in my academic performance. My aunt has three kids who are still in the lower primary school. I have to assist her in taking care of the kids. I do a lot of house chores and I don’t get a free time until all others have gone to bed. By then I am often too tired to read my books, I only struggle to do the home work given to me by my teachers before I sleep. I am afraid that at this rate I may never achieve my desire of growing up to be a surgeon. What can I do? - TOYOSI

ANSWER

Dear Toyosi, Your situation is a very challenging one, but I will advise you not to give up on your dreams. I have known a couple of young people who had to pass through such a home atmosphere and yet some of them still succeeded academically. First, I want you to know that there is little you can do to reduce the number of house chores you are expected to do, so, decide to accept the situation and refuse to lament about it again. Secondly, since there is nothing you can do about the situation, purpose in your heart to make the best use of it. Make a few more sacrifices. When everyone has gone to bed, force yourself to study your books. Refuse to yield to tiredness and the temptation to sleep. Realize that when you sleep instead of studying, you are sleeping away your desire to be a surgeon. Also, make use of short moments to revise the things you have learnt. For example, when sent to the store, you may quickly write a formula on a paper and be peeping at it as you go to and fro. Also during your break period in school, don’t join other students to play around, find a quiet corner and study your books. Don’t wait until you find a lengthy time that is free before you study your books and God will crown your efforts with success.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, When I was in junior secondary school, a girl introduced me to having sex with her. I became addicted to it to the extent that I even introduced two other girls to it. But about a year after I got into this act, I attended a church meeting where I realised I was involved in a terrible sin, I cried and I prayed that God will have mercy on me and forgive me. Since then I determined not to be involved in lesbianism again; but when I remember the innocent girls that I introduced to it, I used to feel bad. What can I do? - ESTHER

ANSWER

Dear Esther, the act of lesbianism is a terrible addiction that people don’t get out of easily. I rejoice with you that you found help with God to break free. It is reasonable that you feel a sense of responsibility towards the other girls that you led into it. It is good for you to take steps towards their own freedom as well. First, I advise you to pray that God will soften the hearts of those girls to you and that they would listen to you. Secondly, look for an appropriate time and approach each of the girls individually. Apologise for leading them the wrong way, tell them your experience and invite them to also repent of these acts. But you have to leave the response to them. They would have to decide whether they want to drop the habit or cleave to it themselves. You cannot force them to drop it, but you should show them the way out of it and also make them realize that it is a sinful act in the sight of God.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I feel lonely often; people complain that I am not friendly. Many times I wake up feeling sad, I don’t feel like relating with people. My parents are worried about my frequent moodiness, and I am also getting worried about it. What can I do to be livelier? - NGOZI

ANSWER

Dear Ngozi, From what you have said, I suspect you are prone to depression. It is good that you are realizing early that this is something that must not stay with you; you have to consciously fight it off. One of the ways to fight it is by being conscious of the needs of other people and trying to be a help to them. For example, many people need someone to greet them with a cheerful smile in the morning, be the one to give people that smile. Refuse to focus on your own needs, stop thinking that nobody loves you, tell yourself that what matters is that I love people. When you feel no one cares about you, you will attract heaviness to yourself. Get involved with people even when you don’t feel like it. Make phone calls to your friends to find out about their welfare or just to give encouraging words. When you focus on making other peoples’ day brighter, yours will not be dull. As you make this your daily habit, moodiness will gradually face out of your life.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I believe I am an easy going girl, but occasionally, I have outbursts of anger that makes me do terrible things. The other time, I got so angry that I threw a knife at my younger sister, it barely missed her, and my parents punished me severely and they told me that I could have killed her if the knife had not missed her. Now I am afraid? How can I overcome these outbursts of anger? - TEMITOPE

ANSWER

Dear Temitope, Outbursts of anger is very dangerous, if you don’t conquer it, it has the capacity to destroy you. The starting point is for you to pray to God, ask Him to show you mercy and deliver you from this strange anger. Follow this up by reading the Bible every morning and night; when you read the Bible and meditate about what you have read, it has the ability to shape your character. Start from the book of Matthew, and read sequentially till you get to the last book of the Bible, then, go and start from Genesis again. Read a minimum of twenty verses each morning. Then before you go to bed at night, read a chapter of the book of proverbs. Finally, discipline yourself. When a situation arises where you feel you have a right to be angry, force yourself not to do anything. Close your lips and hold your two hands together or if possible, excuse yourself and walk away or go to the toilet just to prevent the possibility of expressing your anger in a wrong way.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, My parents don’t just understand me. Especially my Mummy, each time she sees a boy around me, she suspects that something is between us. I get frustrated easily by her insinuations. Sometimes I also revenge by deliberately doing things that will aggravate her more. What should I do? - TUMININU

ANSWER

Dear Tumininu, Allow me to say sorry on behalf of your Mum. But let me remind you that your Mum cares for you. It is possible that she is overprotective, and I guess it is because she is afraid; she does not want anyone to tamper with your life. I want you to know that she may trust you, but she may not trust the boys that she sees around you. So you must win her trust by doing the right things and very soon, she will be more confident that you are responsible and thus she will reduce the rate at which she is monitoring you. But if you deliberately do certain things to provoke her, the situation will worsen because she will become more apprehensive about you, and you may also get yourself into serious trouble and you will be the one to bear the consequences. So overlook what you consider being your Mum’s excesses and just purpose to be a responsible girl.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I am sixteen years old. I am in a terrible dilemma. I became sexually involved with my boyfriend who is seventeen years old and he is still seeking admission into the university. I found out that I was pregnant. My parents were livid. Initially, they sent me out of the house; I sought refuge with my aunt who is a pastor’s wife. Later, they softened and I was allowed to come back to the house. They followed me to see the boy’s parents who were taken aback, but they were sympathetic. They said they would accept responsibility for the pregnancy since their son did not deny his involvement. The reality is that I am not ready to mother a child; I have a desire to further my studies and get my life in shape before I start having a family. My parents say that I should abort the pregnancy. The parents of the boy feel I should have the baby, they promised to take the baby up once it is weaned. My aunt too feels I should not abort the pregnancy. I am confused and afraid; a part of me wants to abort the pregnancy and the other part feels that I will regret it if I do. What should I do? - JUMMAI

ANSWER

Dear Jummai, this is a very complicated matter. You don’t have what it takes to mother a child now, neither does your boyfriend. Having the baby will affect your future and delay your academic pursuit. Yet, if you abort the pregnancy, you are denying your baby a chance to live. This has its own consequences. I have discussed with girls who had aborted pregnancies before and the memory still haunts them. It is better not to dabble into it. So, either option has heavy consequences. But I want you to realize that what we are discussing is about another life and that life is precious to God. God is the giver of life and He says he will require the life of any man from the person who terminates it. First, you need to realize that going to bed with someone you are not married to, is an act that grieves God. His plan is that married couples would have sex together and derive joy from it, and conception of a baby is an additional joy. Pre-marital sex is like a slap in His face. I counsel you to pray and ask God to forgive you for going into pre-marital sex. Ask Him to give you grace to do the right things henceforth. Secondly, give the baby a chance to live. Though you don’t have the capacities to give her quality upbringing now, you can give your baby up to the parents of the boy who have volunteered to help you raise the baby. This should make the burden lighter for you.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I am fourteen years old and I have not experienced menstruation as all my friends; this makes me feel that something is wrong with me, what can I do? - ANTHONIA

ANSWER

Dear Anthonia, You are not the only one that had delayed onset of menstruation. Adolescents develop at different paces. There are some early developers; such adolescents attain puberty at an early stage. Such girls start menstruating at a very early age, the breasts and other feminine features show up quickly. There are some early developers nowadays that attain puberty by age nine. A lot of others have their development taking place between ages eleven and thirteen. But there are still some others who don’t attain puberty until ages fourteen and above. These are the ones we call late developers. What you’re going through does not mean that there is something wrong with you, it might just mean you are a late developer; all the feminine features you are longing for (like budding breasts, broadening of the hips and menstrual flow) will come your way at the right time. Don’t worry about them. It is true that you may feel as if you are stagnant, but there is really no need to be alarmed.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, I am a Christian girl in the secondary school. About three months ago, I met a guy who attends a neighbouring school; he requested for my phone number, and said he would like to be my friend. He told me he has no ulterior motive, so, I gave him. He sends me pleasant text messages which I used to reply and he visited me about three times. I enjoyed his visits, He is well mannered, (very much unlike the other rough boys) and he is quite intelligent. One day, I told him I was a virgin because he spoke very angrily about girls who have sex all around instead of keeping their virginity. He used very strong words to tell me how much he dislikes such girls. The next day, he told me that I am so different and special that he really wants me to be his special girl. He even said he would like to marry me in future and that he hates to have sex before marriage. I agreed. He told me he wasn’t interested in having sex. After some time, once in a while when we meet at a particular amusement park, we would go to a corner and he would kiss and embrace me. He would hug me and kiss me and said he really loved me and he kept telling me that he would never have sex with me until we get married. Somehow I used to respond, but deep in my heart I knew what I was doing was wrong, but when I tell him, he would say we are not really sinning, we are just lovers playing together. About three weeks ago, he invited me to his house, and he gave me a nice meal and we watched movie together, then, began the kissing and petting in his room that day. Our romance went too far and we didn’t know how it got to that, but i lost my virginity! I was devastated. He apologized. But about four days after, the incident repeated itself. Again he apologised. But even after that, many times when we are alone, everything just seems to happen very fast and we end up having sex again. I am tired. I feel dirty, cheap and guilty. I want the sex to stop but I don’t want to hurt his feelings because I know it is because of the love he has for me that makes it difficult for him to stop because he said he really doesn’t like sex. What do I do? I feel I have messed up my life; please what is the way forward? - FUNKE

ANSWER

Dear Funke, What happened to you is very painful. It is also unfortunate that you are not the only girl who has fallen to such traps and several are still treading the same pathway that made you fall. You were naïve and your boyfriend seized the opportunity to deceive you. No decent girl desires premarital sex. The boy was aware of this fact and he so, he came to you using that as bait. He said he was not interested in sex. He said this so that you would relax and lower your guards. If he had told you that sex was his goal, he knew you would break the relationship instantly. After you relaxed, he proceeded to start using strategies that will work on any girl that is ignorant of the way her body works. He began to kiss you and caress you, this would stir you up sexually and your body would demand for more caressing. He got you to a point where you could no longer resist sex, and you fell for it. Sex does not jump on anybody, it doesn’t just happen, it is progressive. First, it starts in the heart and emotions when you get someone to make you feel loved deeply. In your case you thought you were in love with your boyfriend. Secondly, you do romantic things together like staying alone in one corner together, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. Thirdly, you start touching each other’s sensitive body parts, and when you get to point, sex becomes irresistible. So, your boyfriend knew the principles and he used them on you. You should never have allowed a man who had not married you to touch your body. Actually you began to fall the moment you agreed to be his girlfriend. Now, I counsel you to first realize you have sinned against God by going against his principles. Ask him to forgive you. In addition, take a step of repentance by breaking the relationship immediately, and lastly, make up your mind never to go into premarital sex again. I believe the Lord will help you as he has helped several other girls. It is important for you to know that your boyfriend knew what he was doing all along. Please don’t be apologetic when breaking the relationship and don’t pity his lamentation about how much he will suffer because he loves you. Actually, he will not want to break the relationship because you are giving him free sex, and yet, he has not paid your dowry; he is not the one feeding you or clothing you. All he is paying to get the sex are the little treats he gives you like buying air time for you, buying pastries, etc. I bet you that within a month or more of your breaking the relationship he would get another girlfriend. Meanwhile, there is another problem lurking in the background that you don’t know how it would unfold. I am talking about the fact that he might have made you pregnant. A girl can sometimes get pregnant even if the boy uses condom. So, you might be pregnant already or you might not. The other issue is that you may have contracted sexually transmitted disease. These are things that you will not know immediately. If you observe that your next menses is delayed in coming or if you observe some strange feeling in your reproductive organ area or any strange feeling at all, you will need to see a female counsellor quickly who will link you up with the right medical personnel. You may also give us a call using the phone numbers on the last page of this book.

QUESTION

Dear Aunty, There is a male teacher in my school who usually sends for me. He looks for every opportunity to get to be alone with me. And then, he asks me embarrassing questions like, “are you a virgin?” “Who is your boyfriend?” and when no-one is around, he tries to pull me close. I find it very embarrassing and do not know how the situation can stop. Many times, I do not even feel like going to school because of him. What do I do? - LOHI

ANSWER

Dear Lohi, The teacher is misusing his privileged position to try and seduce you. He is meant to be a guide and counsellor, but from his actions, I can see that he is a wolf in disguise. One way to stop him is to boldly tell him to stop or else you will report him to appropriate authorities. If he does not stop, you may need to tell your parents who might have to follow you to school and make a proper report to the school head.